How To Deal with Death and Grief

Death and Grief Coaching

Grief is quite a journey and it's one I've been on for over a year. And yet, my cup is full.

Full of reality, full of gratitidue, full of life and full of endings and partings and change.

Death. How's your experience of it?

It's the grand denouement most of us don't want or like to face. With good reason

And like birth and other hallmark events, it's as common as dirt and mud and air and the sun. And it's precious too. Ordinary. Difficult.

And it blindsides you.

Recently I spoke with a group of women locally at a get together.

We were sitting around a firepit and talking fairly frankly about what we do. Waikato death and grief coaching came up as a topic and I explained to them how it differs from usual grief counselling.

Grief Coaching, distinct from Grief Counselling has a number of distinct features:

• it is more active
• it incorporates the entirety of the death and grief process for clients
• the coach is more involved for the client and family
• the sessions are flexible and often extend out beyond the usual "once a week" model used by counsellors.
• It isn't confined to a counselling "session" and office.
• There's a greater sense of camaraderie
• Greater empathy

DEATH AND A STABLE LIFE AT ARAPITO FARM

So as I mentioned above, it's been quite a year.15 months ago my father died. 

Around the same time my mother's descent into dementia took a much deeper dive. There had been subtle changes in my mother's mind and body for a while. But the rapid onset and the subsequent disintegration of who she was and had always been, called for a very clear ReStorying. 

Who she was is gone.

I'm well healed from trauma symptoms these days, and so my reaction to these hallmark experiences have been very normal and nothing out of the ordinary.

AND I've been rocked.

I've stayed very present for clients and been as committed to serving them face to face and individually  and in the small group programmes as ever.

I've stayed present for my partner and son, for friends and our animals and for the projects here on Arapito Farm.

Bu other things just had to be put to the side for a while. 

I weaved in a lot of extra self-care, made conscious decisions to cut out certain work tasks for a while, and focused on a more interior way of living. 

Coccoon. Carapace. Self-compassion. (And all my friends know I love a bit of monastic at the best of times.) 
I also reduced my online video work, pared things back and allowed myself to ground down into my EMBODIED PRAXIS  techniques, those same techniques and strategies I use with clients.

There's been a strong internal pull to "to just be and feel," so I gave myself unhurried space and time to experience loss the way it simply is. It was all about cultivating self-compassion and self-love, and fostering a positive mindset and outlook at the same time.

These are the things I'm privileged to be able to do for grief and self-love...

But what if you face grief AND you're also dealing with ongoing trauma symptoms?

It can become even more complicated if you have a trauma history. It can also be difficult if you're managing anxiety.

Because grief doesn’t only involve the passing of loved ones. It includes the grief you feel about the loss of yourself and qualities within you that you shut off for many years in order to cope and survive because of trauma. 

 And all of these issues can get blurry and soupy.

That's why it's important for you to take extra special care.

7 WAYS GRIEF AND ADVERSITY INTERTWINE

1. The Resurfacing of Old Traumas

Dealing with grief may trigger memories and emotions related to previous traumatic experiences, amplifying the pain and complexity of the grieving process.

2. Greater emotional sensitivity:

If you're a woman with a trauma history who's grieving, you'll likely become more emotionally sensitive again, and this can make your grieving experience more intense and overwhelming. You might run the risk of "getting stuck in it."

3. Coping mechanisms:

Past trauma might have influenced your coping strategies, and some may be maladaptive, hindering your ability to navigate grief effectively. You might try to ignore this, go it alone, or repress the feelings with food, alcohol or other substances. Watch out for this. Avoidance as a main go-to won't help you grieve.

4. Feeling unsafe or vulnerable:

Woah. Be prepared dear woman! Grief can flame your feelings of vulnerability, and past trauma can exacerbate these emotions. Be aware it could get a little difficult for you to process and express the grief openly in community with others. (and that's something you kinda need to do here and there.)

5. Impact on relationships:

Previous trauma can affect interpersonal relationships and isolate you, and grieving may further strain these connections for you, making it harder for you to connect.

6. Self-blame and guilt:

If you have a trauma history you can internalise your grief and blame yourself for your loss. This can lead you to self-destructive thought patterns and what I call "compounding trauma."

7. Accessing support:

Past traumas can create barriers to seeking help, leading you o a reluctance to reach out for support during the grieving process.

What can you identify on the list that relates to you and your journey with grief, loss and your healing from trauma?

At the best of times grief weaves in around you like a fog and wraps you up, not so much in warmth as in a blanket of reflections and reconsiderations and refractions.

Take time to understand it's interweaving and interrelationshp with your advrsity and trauma history. 

And let's help you ReStory both the grief and trauma components so you can live more fully and more freely. 

That's why we're starting the free weekly CREATING YOUR PATH Conversations on Zoom.

It's a weekly meeting space and it's for women. 

Starting up again at the end of August 2023. 
It costs nothing. 

It's never too late for you to have peace. It's never too late to discover life purpose and passion.

Register here: 

Zoom Registration and Link

Love, Camilla x